⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️

I’ve thought long and hard about whether I’m making this post or not but since I’m here, I guess I am. Welcome to the 2022 Curtain Call. It’s about to be one heck of a ride. If you’ve read 28 Eve, you’d know how the year was to a point & if you haven’t, I’ll appreciate it if you do. This year has been wild for me.
It’s been my hardest year & I thought the little win I got would be good but that hasn’t panned out well so far.
Let’s get into it!
So, mentally it’s been a hard year. I was suicidal and I frankly don’t know how I made it to today. I was just tired of everything. Doing everything I can & getting no good results. Putting all my efforts into things and coming up with zero results. I was so sick of the no’s & failures. My constant struggle to get the tiniest win. It was just too much & I was beyond exhausted. I figured if this is how it’s going to be then I shouldn’t even be here. It wasn’t worth it. Frankly, I don’t know how I feel about it at the moment so we’re playing it by ear. Just 3 days ago, I was so down bad that I was inches away from self-harm. I concluded that I didn’t want to kill myself but the idea of cutting my wrist seemed appealing. Someway somehow I fell asleep so that never happened. The next day, I was the picture of perfection. Adulthood is something I’m no longer interested in anymore but I don’t even know how to exit stage left.
I’ve been mentally unstable throughout the year. I need therapy I know that now but therapy is so expensive! I choose a roof over my head and food over therapy every month because I can barely afford even that basic need. Therapy is a necessity but it’s a luxury in my part of the world. The way our monies are set up we can barely live through the day but that’s not the purpose of this post.
It’s been an emotionally & mentally draining year. I’ve been depleted of everything. I gave all of me to this year and I have nothing to prove it.
But that’s okay I guess we live to fight another day.
Every year, I am not a homeowner is another year where I live in constant panic and worry about my mother’s health. I know she’s not resting enough because thinking about where to sleep keeps her up at night. I’m incapable of doing something basic like that for her after everything she’s done for me and I feel like a useless child. No one can tell me differently. I know for a fact that I’m so desperate for this to happen I’m bound to make a bad decision. I pray it never comes to that.
It’s been a tasking year but it gave me the ability, to be honest with myself. I made some discoveries about myself.
It’s been me & my mom only for a while so, being in other family settings makes me awkward. I don’t know how to behave because I’m not used to it so I know I don’t want to get married or be with someone that actually treats me right because I’d meet their family and they’ll see my flaws and then I might lose someone I never thought I’d ever had so I just pick the bad nuts because it’s never that deep.
I know I want children at least two but I grew up in a single-parent household and that wasn’t fun so I don’t want you, kids to go through it so, so that dream is in the sky.
These are major realizations I came to this year.
On the spiritual front, I took a major hit. My faith was tested and I don’t know if it made it or not because I have so many doubts about God & His word & promises. That’s the major reason for me being quiet on my God’s content because I don’t know if I believe that He can do the impossible. We’ll delve into it in another post or the book I’m working on. Either way, my faith journey will have its day. Financially, I couldn’t do anything substantial. I’m generally disappointed in myself for that. But we go hard next year. I’ve taken some actionable steps that I know will yield good results thanks to this savings app I have.
Spiritually, I got a hard copy devotional and reminders on my phone to help me stay plugged into God because I know that’s why I’m still alive somehow despite everything. I believe God exists & that Christ died for me. That is never what I doubt. My doubt is whether He can do the impossible things for me and my family too just like He’s been doing for others. That’s a tale for another day.
Now, let’s get into the win that has made my family miserable. We lived on the outskirts of town. The traffic was hellish and the transport costs were just too much so we tried to come to the city center and we did. Yaaay but no. The landlord let us down big time and we don’t even know what to do. So, we live in town, yes but we can’t have people over because it’s embarrassing considering what the man has left undone. I was looking forward to using my space and getting back on YouTube but I guess we’ll wait and see.
If you are a landlord reading this, tenants are people too that require that you treat them with dignity. And also, please respect a family of all women and treat them well as you would if there was a man in the picture. This situation makes me want to talk about my rental situation. Catch it on my podcast. I pray I can get our own house soon so we’ll be done with this. We’ve been through a lot.
Well, that brings us to the end of the 2022 Curtain Call.
I pray better news finds us in 2023!

So, to my wonderful readers and supporters, thank you. I appreciate you. I wish you all the very best in the upcoming year. May 2023 be good for us!

P. S: talk to someone if you’re having a hard time. That helped me a lot. If you can’t talk to anyone around you & you prefer a stranger, I could be your listening ear. Please email me or dm me on socials. Love you and stay strong. You got this!