Hey guys!!!! It’s been a long minute I know. I’m sorry. Y’all missed me? I hope so. Can you imagine that a few weeks to my birthday month, I end up phoneless? I woke up one morning and my phone said, “Girl, it’s over between us” I am so sad and heartbroken. But life goes on. Anywho, MY BIRTHDAY IS ALMOST HERE!!!! And I am beyond pleased. I have no plans because you need money for those things and a girl is pressed for cash right now. *Sigh* I should care that most of my “hyped and big-deal” birthdays don’t go as planned but I don’t because the best thing is, I am even alive to celebrate and I have my friends and family alive too. So, what more can a girl ask for? I mean the photoshoot would’ve been great and not forgetting that dinner with my Fam but home-cooked meal it is. (laughs). This birthday means so much to me. it’s not here yet but I am thankful because last year I was a hot mess. I did not want to celebrate. I just wanted to disappear. Let’s just say your girl was in a bad place but guess what? It’s a whole new situation new.  Well, dang it! This was supposed to be a little note before I dive into the post but I guess I went off-topic per usual (laughs). Well, Let’s get into it!

Have you ever made the same mistake so many times that you’ve lost faith in your judgement? I have been in three romantic relationships (I see you rolling your eyes saying again? Starts playing Kierra Sheard ft. Missy Elliott- Don’t Judge Me) with different people at different points of my life and each had gone sour when I least expected. In light of recent events in my life, I have become extremely wary when making decisions especially those that relate to taking things further(Get your mind out of the gutter. Not that kind of further) with the opposite sex. I experience so many moments of self-doubt that I feel like a different person. I have a lot of those moments where I go;

“Maybe there’s something wrong with me?” , “Am I that hard to love?” or my favourite “What exactly do I do wrong?”

The last person implied that I wasn’t the person he started dating all those years ago and I was beyond surprised. I kept looking in the mirror looking if I looked different. I darn near lost my mind trying to figure that out. all those “bad breaks” took a huge toll on me. I joke a lot these days about relationships heck I’m trying to set my mom up with a decent God-fearing financially stable man. (She’s in her early 50s. If she finds out you guys better-come cry at my funeral) Anyway, I joke a lot these days but I don’t see it as something for me. I see my friends happily dating, getting engaged and married and having babies and I am so happy for them but when I try to picture it, don’t get me wrong I see myself in those situations but man, I just get so afraid. Like what if I think I met the right one and we get married and have a couple of kids then he wakes one morning and says you’re not who I married so it’s done?

Lately, anytime a man approaches me and I sense they want something more than friendship I just get the heck away. I have tried love so many times and the endings have always been disastrous. Why should I try again? But I know I would eventually. The difference is the next time I am praying so hard to god that t is the final and forever one because I am TIRED! But the best thing about all this the fact that I don’t feel completely alone. I have God and that makes me so happy.

I am willing to fight myself every day to gain a little bit of faith in myself because winners never quit and quitters never win. If God with all His perfection can love me just as imperfect I am then I guess my fellow imperfect human can too.

P.S :

Welp. This post turned messy really fast. I wrote it beforehand but while typing it out to post I guess I started figuring stuff out so it went left real fast. I am sorry this is trash. Anyway, I just discovered LIZZO and let me tell you I am speechless. I mess with quite a number of her songs. I bet you can’t guess my favourite Lizzo song and please don’t say Truth Hurts. I don’t know why those lyrics are the excerpt though *shrugs*