There’s a current trend on TikTok where people show pictures or videos of who they were before they met a partner and who they became after.

The beginnings are always so beautiful but the end is just heartbreaking. My heart ached for them. For some of them, I cried a little. I wanted to join in on the trend because I too had a story to tell but I decided against it because I have convinced myself that everything that happened was my fault. I’m learning to live with it and forgive myself for the decisions I took that nearly cost me my life.
It’s a bit dramatic but it’s true.
On March 22, 2022, my boyfriend broke up with me and as I explained on my podcast, it was the final straw for a person who had nothing going well for her. My mind was already fragile and my faith was shaking. The break up took place in the morning whilst at work. I had to go through the workday when all I wanted was to scream and cry. I had to stuff all my feelings down during the day. At night time, I distracted myself by going to church. One thing about me, I’ll take my heartbreak to the altar. I couldn’t express my emotions in that setting. Since that day, I could hardly catch a break. I wanted and needed the privacy to heal my wounds but that was proving hard to find. I remember one day I got home earlier than everyone and I had a good wailing session. I don’t know if it was good or bad because it gave no comfort. I began to notice that I wasn’t myself. Most days I felt like I was out of my body. There was a disconnect somewhere and I couldn’t pinpoint it. I slipped further away until I almost became an alcoholic. I wanted to numb my pain initially. I have a shitty memory so I forget easily. I had a normal timeframe to grieve relationships and it elapsed with no end in sight. I was disturbed and distracted. I was breaking down and no one could see because I’d perfected the craft of mask-wearing. That became exhausting and I knew I couldn’t make it. I felt myself going crazy. I kid you not. I knew for a fact I was mentally unstable. I wasn’t emotionally stable either. I was a ticking time bomb yet those closest to me failed to see. In those days, I could’ve killed myself and it would’ve caused trouble and trauma for my family because I showed no signs. I knew I didn’t want to die but I knew I didn’t want to live. So, I gave God the broken damaged me. Yes, this is my version of the TikTok trend. I gave God me. Broken, devastated, and mentally unstable ( I tried getting real help but unfortunately, the doctor was always pressed for time. We never got a session in. Shoutout to the friend who linked me to said the doctor). Today, 23rd November 2022, I am getting back to myself and I’m not as damaged and broken as before. I was trusting of myself but lately, I don’t. It’s sad to watch me sometimes these days but I’m grateful I’m not me from a couple of months ago. I may never become who I want to be (the girl before July 24th, 2021) but I’m becoming a new woman. I’m mentally stable and my faith is rising and that’s good enough for me. I’m okay now and for that, I’m grateful to God.

My message is simple: Give it to God. Leave it in His hands. He’ll work it out.

It’s not easy to just leave it in God’s hands, I know but please try. He loves you. His plans for you are good. Trust Him.
Enjoy the rest of the week!
Love you!