Before I get into the post, I want to wish all fathers a very happy Father’s Day. We, your children love you so much and say thank you for everything you are to us and everything you do for us. You’re deeply appreciated. Thank you.

I’ve started this post so many times. I just couldn’t find the right words to properly convey the message. It’s Father’s Day today and for some, it’s a great time to celebrate the father figures in their lives and for others, it’s a day that reminds them of some of their deepest hurts.

I don’t want to bore you with the details because each group knows its truth all too well.

I’m here to tell you a story. One that if you’ve encountered me or have a personal relationship with me you’d be very surprised to find out.

If I told you that for the past six months I haven’t set my foot in a church, would you believe me? But that’s the truth.

I’ve been so angry at God. Let’s call a spade a spade. I’ve been disappointed and hurt. As I write this I’m still in so much agony but I think I’m beginning to heal because I’m calling things as they are. No need to pretend when God already knows.

So, back to the story. I haven’t been to church throughout the first half of this year.

I felt betrayed and let down. In my head, I’ve done everything right. I’ve done well to do what God says and I expect the fulfillment of His promises to me or at least something that showed improvement in my life. But no, I was still stuck in the same condition and my life just kept getting worse and worse. I was tired of struggling and doing everything right and getting nothing in return so, as much as I hate to admit, I turned my back on God. I went radio silent on him for months. I abandoned everything I knew to be right.

I quit my YouTube channel and if you’ve listened to the episodes of the third season of my podcast you’d notice that there was no soul or heart in there. My blog posts here were minimal or non-existent. I wasn’t myself and I don’t know if I’ll ever be me again.

I unplugged from God and fed my flesh whatever it wanted. I wanted to hurt God the way I thought He was hurting me by giving me this hard life filled with scarcity, pain, and tears. I thought if I took the wrong road and did all the bad things He’d hurt because I am His beloved.

Do you know what happened? I wasn’t hurting God but myself. I became dead inside. I slowly slipped into some sort of depression. I contemplated suicide so many times. I believed I meant nothing to anyone because I was crying out for help but no one heard me. No one could see the light fading from my eyes. My heart was in shambles. My mind was chaotic and my temper on a very short fuse. I was a complete mess and no one noticed and that has led me to believe that I have no one who cares or sees me. But that’s something for another day.

Let me tell you something though. Despite my absolute refusal to go to church, I read the Bible and I prayed every day. I was extremely consistent with my time with God. Crazy, right? Not really. Remember my post titled Your Core Being? Check it out if you’ve not seen it.

Why do I say it’s not crazy? Because at my core I know that I need God. I can’t function without Him. I don’t know how. So, even though I was upset, I still stayed with him. My heart wasn’t all the way there with Him but it was there enough to keep me sane and alive till now.

I tried to move away from God but He never gave up on me. He tried everything to get me back. I don’t know any person that would do what He’s done for me. I remember thinking one day that He’d abandoned me and He reminded me He’s never moved but I keep moving away from Him and that’s what started my race back to the father.

I recognize now that whatever I think I need, I can’t get it without God. So, I run to the Father.

And the beautiful thing is that as long as you’re alive, you can run to the father. The one who never leaves. He’s constantly waiting for His beloved.

If you’re like me, I pray you remember that it’s better to be with the Father and make your way back to Him.

God had every reason to give up on me but He didn’t. That’s the kind of Father He is.

I’m recommending Tasha Cobbs Leonard- Never Gave Up live from the Royalty Live album to you today. It shows you the kind of Father God is.

Enjoy the rest of your day and please keep me in your prayers.