So, here I am listening to music and one of the songs I used to listen to a lot back in 2019 began to play and I just couldn’t stop thinking about some of the lyrics. I felt them on a whole other level. 

One line said, “ You hide behind your disguise”

And I got reminded of a realization I made last year. And that was, for anyone to know the real me then they would have to have the ability to make me feel safe. Safe enough to be authentically me and sadly, I haven’t met anyone since those two people that came seemingly close and just upped and left sort of.

The song starts with, “Whatever happened to you?”

And I just sat there thinking. I have no idea. What I do know for sure is that a long time ago, I got the rug pulled out from under me and I have never been the same since.

When the song said, “I just miss the old you”

I nearly burst out into tears but I wouldn’t be able to explain why to those around me so I held it in. I really miss; 

The old me
The incredible me
Glorious me
Unforgettable me
Irresistible me.

You’d think that’s all the song had but no, it gets worse.

Another recurring line is, “What do you have to prove?”

I really have no answer but I know I have a chip on my shoulder and I want to prove something, not to anyone per se. It’s probably prove something to me. If I’m not mistaken then it’ll be along the lines of “I got this! I can handle me”

Which is not all bad but constantly trying to do it all would eventually drain you.

It’s these very lines that triggered this post actually. They go like this, “Think you don’t need nobody
But you’re really scared of it all”

And that is the gospel truth. In protecting myself from getting hurt, I built a wall that not only kept people from coming in but also kept me from going out. So, here I am trapped and stuck. I will risk everything except my heart and that makes me feel like I’m not living. It’s like I’m just existing and I know this is not the abundant life God called me to. I just don’t know how to break down the walls.

If you’ve been hurt and you’re considering building walls to stop the pain, I recommend you not doing that. It’s like putting a band-aid on a wound that needs sutures. There’s no healing only infections. You become a little dead inside and that’s depressing. 

Be better. Do better. Heal. 

I’m working on it and hopefully, someday, I’ll write about the walls coming down. 

Until then, happy Easter!

Enjoy the holidays!

Jesus Christ is the reason for the season.

He thought you were to die for.

He loves you.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.