Hey, this is my first confession for the year I think. I’m not too sure.

If the tone of this post seems different then it’s because I’m different.

My confession is simple. I’m depressed or I’m not myself. I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t eat well and turns out my HB level is low. I got prescribed some meds and honestly, I’ve stopped taking them. I don’t know what’s going on but it’s like I just don’t care anymore.

My attitude is if I die then I die and that’s not supposed to be the case.

I’ve been bottling up a lot of things I know and I’ve been trying to just keep it pushing but I guess I’m just tired.

I don’t want to give up but I am so tired of struggling. I’m trying to just my family to a certain level and the number of obstacles I keep facing is just insane.

So, because of COVID, I had to leave a job that I loved by all accounts because they couldn’t afford to keep me as a paid staff anymore and well I have a family and needs to take care of.

So, I was unemployed for months and during those months, I just cried so much. I couldn’t help out at home I was a freeloader and I hate that. I hate being taken care of. I felt useless and worthless.

The only good thing about that was I never contemplated ending it all. I just tried to keep my head above the water threatening to take me and I prayed a lot for a job that paid well.

News flash, I got the job! I was so happy to get it because it meant I could finally pull my weight now.

I was wrong! From the get-go the whole process of getting situated in the job was hectic. My mind has been through it with this job. It has mentally and emotionally exhausted me.

When I finally got my office, turns out I had the worst boss ever. She can be verbally abusive and honestly every day I contemplate quitting but when I think about the paycheck I try to stick out for another day.

It’s been five months in this job and for some reason, my paycheck isn’t forthcoming. I’ve been struggling to get to work every day. It takes a lot out of me to get to work every day and if what I needed the job for is not forthcoming, what is the point in even going.

I can’t cope with financial insecurity. My childhood was wrought with never having enough and being afraid of losing the little corner we called home and I can’t bear to go through it again as an adult.

I’m a Christian so my first response is always asking God for help and honestly when it comes to this, I feel like He’s not even helping.

I’m writing this post with silent tears blinding me. I can’t take it anymore.

I don’t feel like myself anymore. Music isn’t helping, coloring doesn’t even begin to cut it.

I’m losing my mind and I don’t know what to do.

No one knows what’s going on with me. I’m losing my mind and my mom is here thinking I’m mad at her and she’s here ranting about we’ll see her importance when she’s no longer alive.

I’m here like ma’am, I want to die right now because I’m tired of always fighting. Not everything is about you.

I don’t know what will happen is my HB level goes any longer but I’m keenly anticipating it to put me out of my misery.

I’m dreading going into work tomorrow.

I have nothing more to say.

Ciao I guess.